So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
