sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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