How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
