dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
