If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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