My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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