I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
