plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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