he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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