An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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