When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
