Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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