Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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