Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
