so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
