I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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