I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
