I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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