Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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