My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
