Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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