"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
