last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
