Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
