recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
