I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
