I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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