I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
