my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
