I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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