You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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