I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
