where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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