apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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