Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
