Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
