I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
