I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My feet surprised me
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
