I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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