Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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