I can tuck mytits in my pants
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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