I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
