well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
