i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
