Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
