i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
