Im at strip club and am horny
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
