I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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