Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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