maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
why do cheetos always look like penises
vagina is talking i cant
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
