Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
