I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
